Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Summer. Ick.

Well, since it's officially summer, and I'm officially sweating, I thought I'd post a Top Ten list I did last year. Most of you are new to the Dashner Dude since then, so I hope you enjoy.

And hey, Amy left a golden opportunity for someone in the comments on my previous post. She's finished her advance copy of THE MAZE RUNNER and is willing to mail it to the first person who contacts her. Thanks Amy, and may the fastest person win!

Here's my list:

Top Ten Reasons I Hate Hot Weather

10. Often creates situations where two of the most unpleasant words in the English language are put together: SWEATY and ARMPITS.

9. Woman on street: Large. Her shorts: Small.

8. Ski resorts are closed. Answer me this: How come (I love those 2 words) we can send a man to the moon but can't figure out how to ski on dirt? Churn it up, make it soft, make some special skis. Come on!

7. LOST is not on TV. Neither is football. AMERICA'S GOT TALENT is. 'Nuff said.

6. Lots of people have no problem figuring out the first item to cut when a recession hits: deoderant.

5. When you get back into your parked car, it feels like Smaug the Dragon just sneezed the eternal flames of heck (I have young readers) inside.

4. Everyone likes to swim. Everyone wants to swim. Why do people like to swim? Wouldn't you rather be skiing? Why is it that when we swim, it's suddenly okay for everyone to see everyone else in their underwear, which 99 times out of 100 is a very unpleasant experience? Can you imagine going into the office for work one day and everyone was just chillin' in their swimsuits? Ew.

3. The kids are out of school. Um, no, um, I mean, rather, um, this is a reason why I LOVE summer! Yeah, that's it.

2. You can see everyone's feet. You can see everyone's stinky, long-nailed, dirty-bottomed, callused, toe-jam infested feet. Feet are disgusting. I can barely look at mine, let alone yours. Give me cold weather, heavy socks, and snow boots any day.

1. It means we're a LONG way from Turkey Day, my birthday, and Christmas, the best 30 day period of the year.


Mary E Campbell said...

I'm with you on the summer thing.

Anna said...

James...yes, summer is hot.

But I still like it. :)

L.T. Elliot said...

As for #8, have you heard of sand-boarding? Two of my sisters do it year-round. When Stateside, they go to Little Sahara and "ski" down the hills on their sandboards. When in Kuwait, well...there's enough sand there to appease anyone's sandboarding appetites.

Karen Pellett said...

How do I contact Amy? I DESPERATELY would love to read Maze Runner. Please please please consider me if you see this Amy. I'll make you cookies or something.

By the way, James is skiing really that great? I've never been skiing in my life. I'm too accident prone to have tried.

Hoontah said...

I'm with you on your top ten. Especially the foot thing and unsolicited nudity. Keep all those flabby, sweaty, callused parts to yourself even in the heat!

Shari said...

I love summer.

Laura said...

Cure to Summer Time Blues....
Have no tolerance for cold, be stuck at home with kids all day (they even look cute with barefeet and swimsuits), eat popsicles, find reasons to go to Sonic for slushes half price, go for walks at 9:00 PM.
Too bad you can't paint your toenails.

Unknown said...

Whine whine whine, Dashner. Some of us grew up in this stuff. Put on your big boy pants and tough it out :-)

Dashnog: raffle. Ugh, I'm too tired to even come up with something sarcastic, but that's cause I saw Transformers at midnight. And I didn't win a raffle.

Favorite Brother said...

Uh dude have you forgotten what gorgeous feet I have and how you will be enjoying them for a whole week here soon? Just think summer time in Georgia and me with new sandals. You are one lucky man.

Carolyn V. said...

I saw #9 last night. It frightened me. Oh when will it be autumn?

Anonymous said...

Do my ears deceive me? Did Favortie Brother mention you coming to Georgia? (We, by the way, have had summer for a solid 6 weeks so far and it doesn't look like it's going to get any cooler in the near future.) If I promise to wear close-toed shoes could I, perhaps, get a signature from you here? Then I wouldn't have to wait until my trip out to Utah.

Kenny said...

Whine whine whine. When was the last time you had to shovel "hot" off the walk? When was the last time "hot" put you in a five car pileup on the I-15? Counterpoints follow:

10. Sweaty armpits > frostbite.

9. Woman on street: Hot. Her shorts: Small.

8. When was the last time you broke your leg swimming?

7. Okay, I'll give you this one.

6. During the winter, not only do they skip the deodorant, but they skip shaving their legs, too.

5. When you get into your parked car, you don't have to get back out and scrape the windows, then dig a trench behind your wheels, then get someone to help you push yourself out of your spot, then worry about counterpoint #10.

4. That one time in a hundred is more than enough to make you forget the other 99.

3. There are year-round districts in Salt Lake... but yeah, I guess you can have this one, too.

2. Your aversion to feet borders on the pathological. You might want to see someone about that.

1. Presents are all well and good, but during the summer you get to celebrate the independence of your country by blowing stuff up!

So quit dwelling on your misery! You're much more fun when you're not complaining. Remember, accentuate the positive. Attitude is everything. As we used to say on my mission, "I could slit my wrists and do push-ups in acid, and it wouldn't hurt as long as I had a good attitude!"

Hmmm, on reflection that may have been sarcasm on somebody's part. Oh well, those push-ups were still less painful than tracting.

Have a great summer! d^_~b

Diva Donna said...

I'm with Kenny on this one. No shoveling, no snow, no frostbite, black ice on the road, and we get to celebrate the independence of our country by BLOWING STUFF UP! The sun shines, the kids look adorable in their swimsuits running through the sprinklers and we get to eat watermelon!!

Dashnog: dedi [dedee]--an overweight person sporting inappropriately small summer outfit or swimwear. (There should be a name for that so now there is.) Now you can safely say I saw a dedi today and wanted to poke my eyes out.

Diva Donna said...

WAIT hold the presses dedi will now be Nuster {noo ster} for the unsolicited nudity. Everyone please revise your Dashnog definitions. This conf word was too perfect.

J.N. Future Author said...

you and your foot fetish! I hope your kids play in the rain and mud - barefoot. then track it inside for your amusement ^.~

Unknown said...

I finally got into the "now" age and got a G-mail address:D
I agree with Kenny, I broke my arm out in the snow, I wear boots all year round(no matter what the smell), love warm weather, wear deodorant, and hate cold, and think it is quite nice inside the car when it has been in the sun for a while;)
you need to quit complaining;).

Kim Reid said...

You may want to consider immigration. Does Canada have summer? (Or at least short-shorts kind of summers?)

James Dashner said...

You guys are hilarious.

Kenny, you're insane.

And what's with all the knocks on my whining? I whine, therefore I am.

Jenny said...

Poor you. I agree. Heat is overrated. Washington summers, on the otherhand, are divine. Perhaps you should bring the fam for a vacation up here.
On another note . . . I'm really glad you didn't go into the nail care business. I can just imagine the gag reflex kicking in as you try to give some poor lady a pedicure. And if she were overweight AND underdressed . . . well that's enough of that.

Q said...

Wow! I was here for the original post! That's interesting.

Wendy Toliver said...

I thought you only liked me because I have cute feet! This changes everything.

Taffy said...

Oh my word! There are toooo many funny posts!
I remember not too long ago quite a few people complaining, "I hate the winter! I hate being cold! I'm tired of it!"
And today I hear, "It's too hot!"

Gotta love garden fresh watermelon, tomatoes and corn!

ali cross said...

ROFL James. But ... I love summer. So there. And Nichole told me to tell you so. Although, I still think summer rocks.

Rachelle Christensen said...

You're hilarious! Nichole sent me over here. She's defending summer on her blog. :)

Cranberryfries said...

I never loved the hot, but now I have more reason to dislike the rest of summer stuff. Although I do love that my kids get to play outside. There's not so much, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom" every .4 seconds.

David Lee said...

Forget LOST - there's two new shows - Merlin on NBC and Warehouse 13 on SciFi. Merlin is perfect for anyone, esp boys 10 and up. Retelling of Camelot with Arthur, Merlin and Gweniviere as young adults. Lots of sword fighting, some magic, good and evil battles. Witty. In it's 4th week, but all episodes available online for free. Warehouse 13 more for adults, PG13ish. Very quirky. Two FBI agents reassigned to guard dangerous or magical objects that are stored in W13, or go out and capture/destroy new ones. Very very good special effects, odd bits of humor like Houdini's wallet always trying to escape. Like I said, forget LOST>.