Top Ten Reasons I Became an Author

First: Those stupid Celtics. Why do they have to make so many shots?! It's ridiculous and unfair. I mean, who could root for a team that looks like THAT? (to your left) I'm not listening to Enya for a full month in protest.

Second: It's been awhile since I've done Q&A. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in the next few weeks, please post it in the comments.

Now, for your pleasure, I'm going to post a Top Ten List I presented at a writer's conference 3 years ago. This was back in the days when I only had my little books with my little publisher, and was struggling big time to make a name of myself. You can feel that angst in this list.

(I'd like to thank David Letterman for making Top Ten lists so popular. And for doing the velcro suit.)

Okay, here ya go. A lot of these will only be appreciated by aspiring writers and brand new authors.

Top Ten Reasons I Became an Author

10. I love receiving letters from people that start out “Dear Author” and have the words “unfortunately” and “regret” in them.

9. So I could experience that special moment when you finally quit thinking that authors are weird and psychotic and begin thinking that NON-authors are weird and psychotic.

8. The humility that comes from having lunch with a world famous author and hearing him give his five pet peeves about writing—and realizing you did every one of them in your book.

7. The heart-swelling pride that comes from seeing your book listed on Ebay with the minimum bid set at fifty cents—and no bids.

6. That good feeling you get when you sit behind a rickety old table in the back of a bookstore, pen in hand, and watch person after person avoid eye contact with you like you’re the freaking Elephant Man.

5. So that after running from the computer in excitement to tell my wife that I finally figured out how to pull off a difficult scene, I can hear her say, “That’s nice, honey—will you change Dallin’s poopy diaper?”

4. The joy of figuring out things like this: For every single book I’ve sold, Harry Potter has sold 15,000. (Ha! No longer true!!!)

3. That tingle you get when a sexy woman with lusty eyes approaches you at a book signing and asks, “Where is your bathroom?”

2. The thrill of looking on Amazon to see that your book has climbed from 145,678th to 123,743rd on their bestseller list.

And the Number One reason I became an author:

Two words: The chicks.

Hardy har har. Give me some questions and I'll do some Q&A in May. Hey, that rhymes!

Lyrics of the Day:

I get up, and nothing gets me down.

You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.

And I know, baby, just how you feel.

You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real.

Might as well jump.

- Van Halen